How To Deal With Conflict?

I asked a forum recently what they would like me to write about this week and they declared that they would find it helpful to know ‘How To Deal With Conflict’.  The angle that I wish to write about is when your partner, work colleague, wife, husband, child, is unwilling to see reason with their point of view – how does one deal with this situation?

I would like to provide context before I offer advice.  In the education I provide I term the disempowered state ‘the default’, for we automatically ‘default’ to feeling disempowered when we are triggered (impacted negatively) by something or someone externally.  So when two parties are engaging in a disempowering way I call this a default-default interaction.  If you haven’t noticed NO ONE WINS in this type of interaction but we as human beings persist to communicate at this level wondering why we are not getting a different result.

I teach people, firstly about their default and then I teach them about power-power based interactions.  What would it be like to maintain, sustain only ever having empowered conversations, empowered interaction with everyone in your life, be that personally or professionally?  Everyone wins in a power-power based interaction.  But the question is how do you do this?

I believe everything stems from 3 premises (1) What you are committed to (2) What you value AND (3) What you choose moment by moment.  If you do not know what you are committed to or what you value then it’s difficult to produce transformative results.  Most people do not know what they are committed to or what they value, or if they do, they do their version, getting their version of results.  If you are committed and value healthy empowered interaction/communication in your life then this is what will transpire, always.

I would like to speak into the main issue people seem to have and that is….I am prepared to resolve things in future in a calm, collective manner but how do I deal with my partner, work colleague, wife, husband, child going off their dial at me, how do I deal with that?  They are NOT interested in resolving things calmly!

Top 10 Tips For Resolving Conflict

1. Commit & Value empowered communication – when you live true to your commitment and the value you can see in making this decision it will change the course of ALL communication in your life for good
2. You have a choice on how you feel moment by moment, believe it or not.  Nothing can impact you externally unless you allow it – how you react to a situation speaks volumes about what you are committed to and what you value
3. You educate people every day on how to treat you.  If you allow verbal abuse from another then you are educating that person that it is ok to abuse you – the day you decide to educate them differently is the day it ends
4. Most people stay and listen to a tirade of abuse and wonder why they feel triggered.  You will if you listen to the abuse – and yes people, any disempowered communication is abuse.  I believe it is critical to not listen to this type of communication.  When someone is communicating with you in a way that is not conducive to what you regard as respectful, you need to state to the person in a calm manner that it is not acceptable and walk away.  You need to set a precedent and be consistent with your commitment here.  When someone knows that they cannot get away with that behaviour, this type of interaction ends. NB Placing a precedent does not have to be done in a dramatic fashion.
5. Judgment/abuse aimed at you, says more about the person than it ever does about you.  People find this hard to comprehend when the abuse is aimed at them.  What must it be like in the shoes of the person delivering the judgment/abuse to project onto you in this way?  Remember, 1 finger pointing out 3 fingers pointing back, ALWAYS – it’s never about you, always about them!!!!!!!
6. When you hear the word teenager, or the word politician, different people will have a different interpretation automatically of what these words mean for them.  Same goes for the person we are in conflict with – we have an unconscious negative listening/interpretation of this person.    It is powerful to distinguish what your ‘negative listening’ is because when conflict is present you are finding enough evidence to sink a ship congruent to this listening.
7. There is love or fear moment by moment.  When you are in a two way empowered interaction love is the base.  When you are in a two way disempowered interaction fear is the base.  You get to choose what inspires you more
8. Electricity dies when there is no current/charge/power base.  Same goes with conflict, conflict dies when it is not charged.  Cannot exist.
9. Be the wise one in the conversation.  If ‘conflict’ is the symptom, what’s causing the conflict?  Focus on the cause, not the symptom.
10. Treat others as you would like to be treated.  Not a new concept but how many live it as their life mantra – I DO!

Some of you might read this and say it’s not that easy?  I challenge you on this. Anything can be easy if you are committed to it.  Conflict need not be something that you experience in your life.  It cannot exist / be experienced when you are not committed to this type of engagement.

Love is a powerful emotion – love people for who they are and who they are not.  People’s default behaviour is not who they are!

If you are interested in living a more empowered life and live true to your full potential, then contact one of the Freefall Team on 09 488 6764 or book in for a 1 hour free no obligation consultation session to hear more about the Freefall Experience Seminars – refer www.freefallexperience.com